You’re Trending in my Dreams Read online

  ‘Awww. That’s so sweet.’

  ‘I know.’ He laughed.

  You know you are in love when you wake up and that person is your first thought, when you keep checking your phone to see if they have texted or called you while you were asleep, when you miss them even though it has not been long since you last met. But mostly, you’re in love when you put their needs before your own, when their happiness is more important than your pain. When you are in love, you are ready to give it all. Just like Varun and Malvika who were completely and adorably in love.

  I have reached. Waiting near the parking lot, Varun messaged his friends as he waited for them outside the college premises to collect some important notes for the second exam. As he waited, he received a message from Malvika.

  Malvika: What’s up?

  Varun: Nothing, condom on the floor and am drunk.

  Malvika: WTF?

  Varun: And they say I have good sense of humour. :P

  Malvika: What will you do if I broke up with you?

  Varun: Go back to my ex.

  Malvika: Huh. Now I see how much you care. I am done. Go to your ex.

  Varun: You are my ex. Once you break up with me.

  Malvika: I love you.

  Varun: Suddenly?

  Malvika: Just missing you.

  Varun: Iloveyoutoo.

  Malvika: Something wrong with the space bar?

  Varun: No. There’s just no space for me to love anyone else.

  Suddenly, Varun’s smile vanished as he saw some cops walking towards him. For a minute, he thought that the game was over. Everything that had happened in the past few days flashed before his eyes and he started thinking of excuses for what he had done. He panicked and thought of running away but that would have made them suspicious. He stood there like a statue. The cops came up to him and asked, ‘Where is the principal’s office?’

  ‘Upstairs, it’s on the first floor. But today there are no classes. So he might not be in his office. What happened?’ Varun stammered.

  ‘Are you from the BSc class?’

  Varun nodded. The cops told him that they had received a complaint from a student who claimed that he got the BSc maths question paper on WhatsApp and Facebook early on the morning of the exam. They also told him that they had lodged a complaint after seeing the photographs and were looking into this matter seriously. Varun had not expected this even in his worst nightmare. All of a sudden, he imagined himself behind bars and started shivering with fear. He messaged Malvika and the others about this. Everyone was shocked. No one could figure out what their next move should be. It would not be a difficult task for the cops to get a hold of them once they started their investigation.

  Varun thought for a while and went looking for Yadav, the lab assistant. He confessed to him that he had leaked the paper to a few students before the exam to get some money and now the cops were investigating. Yadav too was terrified on hearing this. No one had ever found out about this scam before.

  ‘Please do something. I don’t want to end up behind bars,’ Varun pleaded.

  ‘How could you do that? Because of your foolishness I will go to jail. Leave me alone for now,’ Yadav screamed.

  This was the first time that Varun was dealing with such a problem and hence was completely clueless. He called all the students to whom he had sold the paper but everyone denied telling the cops or even sharing it with someone else. Varun was sure that it was uploaded by one of them as the cops had clearly mentioned that the message was sent by someone from this college. He felt guilty for not having taken the necessary precautions so no one could upload it on social media platforms. But was it really possible to stop the information from being uploaded on social media sites once it was already leaked? There was no point in thinking what could have been done. They were screwed. He went back home to a nervous bunch of friends.

  ‘Fuck, dude, we shouldn’t have done it,’ Malvika cried.

  ‘Now what?’ Garima questioned in a tense voice.

  ‘I have no idea. If we get caught, I will take all the blame. I shouldn’t have suggested this idea at all,’ Varun exclaimed.

  ‘We are all equally at fault. Don’t blame yourself,’ Ahana stated.

  ‘Instead of playing the blame game, we should find a solution,’ Malvika suggested.

  ‘We are not professional criminals. We can’t use our brains to devise solutions to such troubles. There is no way out. It’s just a wait-and-watch game now until we get arrested.’ Varun sighed.

  The consequences of the choices you make can change your life in the blink of an eye. Hence one should think a thousand times before doing something wrong because sometimes it can’t be undone. Varun sat there, distraught about the entire scenario. They had managed to solve one problem only to have another waiting for them. However, this time there was no escape. With each passing hour, the tension reached new levels. The stress was unbearable but they could do absolutely nothing about it. Varun was not able to concentrate and hence didn’t perform well in the next couple of papers. It’s not easy to live a normal life once you have committed a crime. The guilt haunts you and that’s exactly what was happening to Varun. Three papers were over and except the first one, he was sure to flunk the others. You can reappear for your college exams if you flunk, but life doesn’t give you a second chance if you flunk the test of survival.

  The police investigation was being carried out with full force and within a few days they had managed to join several threads connected to the case. The investigators got a tip that a certain Mr Rao, who was Yadav’s partner and worked as a peon at a private coaching class at Dadar, had been selling the leaked papers to the students. Rao was picked up and his interrogation revealed that the papers reached him through the Xerox shop owner Sharma, the university peon Kamble and Singh, who worked as a peon in the university examination department where the question papers were kept. Meanwhile, the police was also trying to determine the identity of the WhatsApp user who first distributed the question paper. It was a matter of time now before the cops caught hold of the lab assistant Yadav and then Varun and the group. It was already too late for Varun, Malvika, Ahana and Garima.

  Do Not Touch Me

  Each day I live, the pain consumes

  What little stability I have bloomed

  Like walking in a cloud of fog

  Falling down, sinking into smog

  Life just seems grim

  I think on a whim

  Interest lost in everything I do

  But what a life, who really knew?

  Depressed to a fault, that’s all I see

  Prison just seems like the only way for me

  A waste of time, I feel I am

  But that’s its nature, a full mind jam

  I try and try to ease the pain

  A fallen effort with no gain

  Thoughts begin to eat away

  Makes me want to end it today

  Uncomfortable around others because of the way I feel

  I pray and wish all of this wasn’t real

  Life just seems more like a prison

  Caged, alone, an outrage risen

  No one could ever understand

  Why I would want my death sooner than planned

  It’s not something I want for me

  But to end my suffering this is what has to be

  Varun sat alone in his room writing his thoughts in his personal diary. He had come to believe that all was lost and the end was near. That’s when Ahana entered his room and told him that Sid had called her and wanted to meet. Varun told Ahana to call Sid home.

  ‘Are you sure?’ she asked to confirm.

  ‘Yes. I want to teach that bastard a lesson. This entire episode started because of him and now I will put a full stop to it,’ Varun said furiously.

  Malvika tried to convince Varun to let Ahana meet him alone but he was not ready to back off. He screamed at everyone, including Garima, ordering them to stay away and let him handle the situation hi
s way.

  ‘Just make sure he doesn’t create a scene in the society. People already say all sorts of things behind our backs,’ Ahana whispered to Malvika.

  Malvika assured her that she would keep Varun in check. She told Garima not to worry as there was panic written all over her face. Ahana finally messaged Sid to come over and he replied saying he would reach within the next hour. It’s hard to resist the urge to say ‘Fuck you’ to someone who really deserves it. Varun had a similar urge but refrained from saying anything.

  The bell rang and everyone looked at Varun as he got up to open the door. The moment Sid entered the room, Varun punched him in the face and knocked him down to the floor with a brutal kick. Varun continued smashing his face, punch after punch, not giving Sid an opportunity to fight back. Each punch left a bruise on his face.

  ‘Son of a bitch. I will kill you. How dare you do this? Because of you our lives are at stake. Who gave you the right to play with our lives? You think extorting all that money from us makes you a cool dude?’ Varun screamed at the top of his voice.

  Sid tried to catch his breath and said, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  ‘Stop these fucking lies. Don’t try to act innocent in front of Ahana.’

  ‘Trust me. Why should I lie? I am not here to patch up with Ahana. I just came to inquire about Garima’s health.’

  ‘Then why did you blackmail Garima for money with the MMS and the nude photos?’ Ahana questioned, looking confused.

  ‘What? I didn’t! I don’t know anything about any nude pictures or MMS. I just took a short video where I was kissing Garima in the washroom of that lounge when she was drunk out of her senses. The one I sent to all of you. I didn’t take anything else apart from that and a few photographs. I just wanted to threaten her as Ahana was not responding to my calls or messages. I was hurt and it was all because of Garima. She was the one who took photos and videos of me with that girl. I wanted to teach her a similar lesson. Hence, I too made a video but I never circulated it or blackmailed her.’

  ‘You didn’t circulate it or blackmail her?’ Malvika repeated in a serious tone.

  ‘No . . . I mean . . . okay, I showed it to the gym manager just to show off but apart from that I never blackmailed anyone. In fact, Garima’s uncle met me and threatened to put me behind bars after that incident. I never even texted you or anyone related to you,’ Sid said, looking at Ahana.

  ‘Garima’s uncle?’ Varun asked.

  Garima was sitting in a corner of the room nervously watching all that was going on.

  ‘Yes. Her uncle threatened me when he found out that Garima had attempted suicide because of the video that I took of us kissing. The gym manager told him as such when he came to the gym to inquire about Garima. Trust me, I never thought Garima would take such a harsh step. I felt really guilty when I found out. I wanted to meet all of you but Garima’s uncle warned me not to. I handed over all the clips and photographs to him that day. I have nothing with me. How could I blackmail her?’

  ‘So what brings you here now?’

  ‘I was feeling guilty and the other day I saw Ahana and Garima leaving the hospital. I couldn’t stop myself and after a lot of hesitation I messaged Ahana to meet me first. I guessed that Garima’s uncle would have left by now.’

  Varun could not believe what Sid was saying. Not once had Garima mentioned her uncle. Ahana and Malvika too were left stunned. Garima had not lied but had delayed in confessing the truth. She was apprehensive about discussing her past and was still petrified of her tormentor. However, she had decided to reveal the truth after the exams. Little did she know it would come out in this way.

  ‘What’s all this? Care to explain?’ Varun seemed annoyed.

  ‘I was about to tell you guys . . . whatever Sid is saying is true . . . Sid was not the one who called me for the money. It was . . . my uncle,’ Garima stammered.

  Her entire body started shivering the moment she took the name. Malvika went close to her and held her hand.

  ‘I want to know everything. Now.’ Varun ignored the fear in Garima’s eyes.

  ‘Can I have a glass of water?’ Garima pleaded.

  Her head started hurting. The traumatic episode flashed before her eyes. She had avoided the truth for so long. It was pointless to discuss it again after her mom kept shushing her and shoving the truth under the carpet. But today, she had to face the facts.

  ‘I was ten years old . . . We lived in a joint family. He would bring chocolates for me. Imported ones too as he travelled to Mumbai a lot. He made me sit on his lap and played with me. Everyone thought he cared for me. He “cared for me” even more when we were alone, in the bathroom. He would make me sit on his lap there too. I would scream but he kept his hand on my mouth so that my screams were inaudible. It would hurt a lot.

  ‘“Done . . . done . . . done. You are so sexy, my puppy,” he would say.

  ‘No one noticed and he too told me not to tell anyone. But after gathering my courage I revealed everything to my mom. She thought I was lying. My own mother ignored my pain. My first memories as a child are of being molested repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times it intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a particular situation.

  ‘He continued hurting me until I left home for high school. One night before I left, he made me sit on his lap and did things to me which no child should endure at that tender age.

  ‘That’s all I can remember apart from my physical pain. I remember spending hours playing Scrabble alone; my world consisted of a box of cold, plastic blocks. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of Scrabble, I surf the web or read or watch a cricket match. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up. At times while growing up I would feel a huge rage, but I never connected this to what had happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness away for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. I feel like I’m trapped in a contaminated body that no amount of washing will clean.

  ‘Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and I am constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweating and furious. I’m reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life. When my uncle found out about my suicide attempt from the message Malvika left on voicemail at my home, he came to Mumbai. My parents were not in town and hence they didn’t know something like this had happened. My uncle deleted the message and never told them. Anyway, I don’t want them to know, as they never supported me though I was their own child. I was too embarrassed to tell my dad and when my mom didn’t support me, I lost all confidence in them.

  ‘After coming to Mumbai, my uncle met Sid and warned him to stay away. Sid obeyed but my uncle instead of consoling me started blackmailing me. I knew instantly that it was my uncle when I received the call. He gave me two choices. Either sleep with him or pay him the money. He said he knew that I couldn’t pay him so I’d better cooperate or he would expose me. I was terrified and convinced you all to agree to pay the money. I hope now I have justified my actions.’

  No one uttered a word as she continued.

  ‘I’ve never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I walked around viewing the world from a distance. I wondered what it would be like to talk to other people without what happened being constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

  ‘Alcohol provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking in my room secretly, being able to forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven’t touched alcohol or any other drug
in the last few years until that night when Sid took the advantage of the situation.

  ‘I didn’t realize how deep a hold the darkness had on me and my life until my first relationship in high school. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separate and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. The relationship started out fine but as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return. Every night it’d be me, him and the darkness in a fearful threesome. It made me hate being touched. I realized that I would never be able to give him, or anyone, all of me. I realized that the darkness would never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never get to feel the warmth of someone’s arms, the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontaminated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I think I would have made a good mom.

  ‘I’ve spent my life hurting people. I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don’t care about their word or what they’ve promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be just between the two of you. I don’t blame anyone in particular; I guess it’s just how people are. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not tell them what happened to me. That was the only reason I never revealed my past to all of you. Ahana asked me the other day and I said that I would after the exams. Malvika had asked me so many times in the past but I always avoided telling her. Being abused has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the way I am and there’s nothing I can do to escape it.